Monday, December 15, 2008

Clouded Vision

So another round of antibiotics for sinus and upper respiratory infections. Oh, forgot to mention the double eye infection that I thought was gone until 4:00 am today. Another day of work and then wanting to come home to rest for another day. Another day of what I ask myself...Some days it feels as though I see things through cloudy vision(no pun intended) since the watch and wait period began. I lack the energy to run out and play at times, to laugh at other times and sometimes just to smile at others. I see other people laughing, enjoying life and taking part in the various offerings of the city. Me, well I got this diagnosis that occupies too much time on my mind and just don't feel like it. I think at times that this will pass but then remind myself that this ain't going away and I must choose to live, laugh and smile. Some days, I just don't feel like it. Too much clouded vision in my path.


Brian Koffman said...

For me, my friend, acknowledging the sheer enormity and complexity of the issues we cancer survivors face on a daily basis is too much for me to maintain a fearlessly cheery outlook. I need to accept that I am swept away in the waves of despair. Being a surfer helps. I just hold my breathe, pop to the surface, and get ready for the next wave to crash down. And when there is a lull, I paddle like crazy for the safety of the shore.
It is OK to feel overwhelmed and lost. It is OK to pause and reflect and reset and reload. What is not OK is to stop, retreat, or give up.
I am cheering for you, and not from the safety of the shore, but in the middle of my own storm.
Be well. Stay strong. Let me know if I can help.

CLL Spouse said...

Well said. I love what you wrote here. Watching others as if a fly on a wall, knowing at one time that was you out there enjoying things, and now you are removed from it, it seems so long ago. Thinking perhaps the cloudiness will dissipate, but then again maybe not. Knowing you need to find a way to live with it, stress on the word "LIVE."

I love everything you captured here. I don't love that you're having the experience of it, but your ability to capture it provides others will the chance to feel less alone.