The Internal Voice

Some days it seems like time is standing still. Life's struggles are there, movement forward is lacking and the fear of the future is present. Take one day at a time, take small steps, 1 step at at a time and so on to make the enormous seem manageable. Momentum seems to be a key in keeping progress occurring and preventing staleness.

In between the doctor visits, IV drips and CT scans, life can seem so normal...is that so bad? Sometimes at those times the momentum can slow down and the internal struggle can build to resist eating right, not exercise, avoid meditation and all the things that can help in fighting the battle that cancer can bring. Often fear promotes movement and the feeling to change things from the status quo. An inspirational story read or heard of others can spark that inner fight and energy to keep moving forward. And isn't it great when this can cause the spark instead of a medical test result or a treatment session. Take the time to listen to the stories of the Running Voices and see if the momentum to keep up the fight is ignited.

I'm Tired

It's been quite a while since I last wrote. Life has been keeping me going in too many directions and too much irritation from sinus issues since June...still no excuse. I guess I am overall tired. Living with this chronic disease stuff has taken many turns as I am sure others have been through themselves. Recent rounds of Rituxan brought great hope and after the first round feeling great, the second brought less than that. The timing of another sinus infection concurrently with treatment made things worse than I would have liked but I must keep going. I keep having feelings of being tired and not just fatigue tired but tired of many of the challenges that have come my way.

Tired of...

• Antibiotics
• Doctor visits
• Taking time off from work for medical reasons and not vacation time
• Missing the opportunity for an extended vacation this summer in order to spend four weeks with an IV drip of Rituxan
• Reading information on Leukemia and Lymphoma is hope for something new to consider
• Being drained mentally and not feeling like having the fun I used to
• Not exercising as much as I have done due to the excuse of being too tired
• Working hard to eat a good diet in hopes of feeling better
• Waking up and realizing that I have cancer
• Going to sleep and remembering that I have cancer
• Seeing people enjoying life while I think of what I could be doing for myself to prevent symptoms from occurring
• Did I mention not having a summer vacation due to too much time spent from work for medical reasons?
• Just plain tired of having chronic cancer

So what should I do? I keep telling myself to keep strong, fight this stuff, find hope in the blessings that I have been given, enjoy each day and my family for the love that they give, be thankful for the work that I am able to do but still I feel tired. I am sure that this too shall pass but I am getting a little impatient. I do want to write more often and have been working on a book idea I have as I feel that I want to share more of my experience. I often find myself thinking of what I want to do with my life...I guess I should just live life and let the answers unfold as I go. But tonight I am tired so I think I'll get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day of hope.